Reason #3 Your life is better than mine.
Money, what money?
Let me start this post with a disclaimer. I am in no way, shape or form, saying that I disagree with paying child support, or that I am angry with my ex-wife because of the child support I pay. I have the utmost respect for her and all single mothers. They are my kids and I will pay whatever is necessary to ensure that they are cared for. This post is not a political statement or bitch session. It is nothing more than an attempt to laugh at my own horrible financial situation. Feel free to laugh along with me.
Here goes.
Last night I was celebrating my son's 16th birthday with the family when it donned on me just how broke I am at this stage of my life. As my son left the restaurant and walked to the car, birthday cash in hand, he officially had more money in his pocket than I had in my bank account. For a brief moment, visions of jumping him in the parking lot and taking his money popped into my head. Alas, I had no ski mask and I think he would have figured out it was me.
Since that moment, I have been reflecting on my financial situation. I am a smart, educated 44 year old man with a good paying job yet if someone were to glance at my bank statements and financial history they would confuse me with a young college kid with a crappy part-time job, and no real prospect for the immediate future. In some ways, I am reliving the college experience. I live in a two bedroom apartment, that is barely big enough to house me and the kids on the weekends. My car is older than my oldest son. If my paycheck actually makes it all the way through the pay period it is somewhat of a small miracle and my diet consists of pasta, potatoes and frozen dinners.
Things are so bleak, that I once told the boys that my plan was to save up a little bit of money so I could buy a new car for me and give them mine. GIVE, not sell. The response I received was a less than enthusiastic "Uh, That's okay Dad." The sad part is that I wasn't mad at them. Hard to be made, when you get it.
I can't get a part-time job because I travel for work. So, I am in a holding pattern for the next year until child support starts to drop off the books. I have made it this long, so I guess another year of leftovers and free DVD rentals from the library wont kill me.
In conclusion, if you have two nickles to rub together and don't have to count your change before you decide whether or not to get the large fries with that, then your life is definitely better than mine. And, Oh by the way. Can I borrow some money.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Always lock the bathroom door
Reason #2 Your life is better than mine
For those of you that have kids, you know that they are the greatest blessing that you could ever hope for. They can also be a tremendous pain in the neck. Reason #2 that your life is better than mine is a prime example of just what a pain kids can be.
Last summer my kids and I were visiting my parents at their home. We did the typical dinner and games around the table, nothing terrible exciting. My middle child, Tyler, (14 years old) decided that since I would not give in to his demands and let us leave, that he would mess with me non-stop. I sought refuge in the one place I thought even he wouldn't dare follow. The bathroom.
I went to the restroom to get away from Tyler and to take care of lunch. My mistake was not locking the door. A few minute after "sitting down" the door burst open and in came Tyler. I was trapped in a tiny bathroom, stuck on the throne. Tyler proceeded to turn away from me, drop his drawers and stick his pale rear end in my face in an attempt to fart on me..
Enough was enough, I got mad, curled up my fist and punched his butt as hard as I could. A little too hard unfortunately. The force of my blow caused his bowels to release and he covered my arm and part of my bare leg with a warm blast of poo. The combination of the sight and smell of poo on my bare skin coupled with the sheer shock of the moment, caused me to throw up. I managed to turn my head and puke in the bathtub next to me. The sight of me covered in poo, puking made Tyler sick and he puked on me. So there I sit, drenched in a quagmire of body waste. Not exactly the way I wanted to end a nice visit with my parents.
So, unless you can say that you have been crapped and puked on by a 14 year old boy while stranded on the toilet, I say to you, Your Life is Definitely Better Than Mine!
For those of you that have kids, you know that they are the greatest blessing that you could ever hope for. They can also be a tremendous pain in the neck. Reason #2 that your life is better than mine is a prime example of just what a pain kids can be.
Last summer my kids and I were visiting my parents at their home. We did the typical dinner and games around the table, nothing terrible exciting. My middle child, Tyler, (14 years old) decided that since I would not give in to his demands and let us leave, that he would mess with me non-stop. I sought refuge in the one place I thought even he wouldn't dare follow. The bathroom.
I went to the restroom to get away from Tyler and to take care of lunch. My mistake was not locking the door. A few minute after "sitting down" the door burst open and in came Tyler. I was trapped in a tiny bathroom, stuck on the throne. Tyler proceeded to turn away from me, drop his drawers and stick his pale rear end in my face in an attempt to fart on me..
Enough was enough, I got mad, curled up my fist and punched his butt as hard as I could. A little too hard unfortunately. The force of my blow caused his bowels to release and he covered my arm and part of my bare leg with a warm blast of poo. The combination of the sight and smell of poo on my bare skin coupled with the sheer shock of the moment, caused me to throw up. I managed to turn my head and puke in the bathtub next to me. The sight of me covered in poo, puking made Tyler sick and he puked on me. So there I sit, drenched in a quagmire of body waste. Not exactly the way I wanted to end a nice visit with my parents.
So, unless you can say that you have been crapped and puked on by a 14 year old boy while stranded on the toilet, I say to you, Your Life is Definitely Better Than Mine!
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Reason #1 Your life is be better than mine
I have always wanted to start a blog, but never really knew if I had enough interesting things to say to justify posting on a regular basis. Then it dawned on me, blogs are really nothing more than an egotistical cry for attention. Anyone who knows me, knows that I truly crave attention, but don't always want to admit it. What a better way to fulfill that need then a blog.
My next dilemma was content. Why would people want to follow my blog? I needed a hook. Every Joe Schmo on the Internet thinks that they are the most interesting person in the world, or has the cutest kids ever, or makes the best peanut butter cookies in the world. What could I possible have to offer that would make my blog unique? What is my hook?
As my kids will attest, I am a below average cook at best, not particularly athletic and challenged in my romantic life. My unique gift is my life itself. I have been told on more than one occasion that I have the worst luck of any my friends. If something screwy can happen, it will happen to me. This blog is dedicated to that notion. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and am happy and content. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I guess that is what made me start this blog. I want everyone who reads this to have a laugh at my expense, and walk away thinking that maybe their life really isn't that bad.
I will close this initial offering with an example of what to expect in the future.
On the morning of the last big snowstorm we had here in Topeka, I was excited to hear that my office would be opening two hours late. I slept in but still gave myself plenty of time to scrape my windows before hitting the road for work. When I made it out to my car I realized that the snow removal people for the apartment complex had pushed huge mounds of snow directly behind my car. It took almost an hour to dig out from the massive snow pile blocking me in. Now running late, I still had to scrape my windows. I got out my crappy scrapper, with the metal blade, and began clearing my windows. After less than three minutes of scraping, the blade popped off the scraper and flew over my head into a drift of snow. Being the creative mind that I am, I finished clearing the windows with my credit card. (This works great, by the way). Hopped in the car and headed off to work, now over an hour late. I made it exactly three feet before I had to stop. I had managed to run over the metal blade of my scrapper and flattened one of my tires. I gave up, called in sick and went back to bed.
Reason #1 that Your Life is Better Than Mine!
My next dilemma was content. Why would people want to follow my blog? I needed a hook. Every Joe Schmo on the Internet thinks that they are the most interesting person in the world, or has the cutest kids ever, or makes the best peanut butter cookies in the world. What could I possible have to offer that would make my blog unique? What is my hook?
As my kids will attest, I am a below average cook at best, not particularly athletic and challenged in my romantic life. My unique gift is my life itself. I have been told on more than one occasion that I have the worst luck of any my friends. If something screwy can happen, it will happen to me. This blog is dedicated to that notion. Don't get me wrong, I love my life and am happy and content. I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I guess that is what made me start this blog. I want everyone who reads this to have a laugh at my expense, and walk away thinking that maybe their life really isn't that bad.
I will close this initial offering with an example of what to expect in the future.
On the morning of the last big snowstorm we had here in Topeka, I was excited to hear that my office would be opening two hours late. I slept in but still gave myself plenty of time to scrape my windows before hitting the road for work. When I made it out to my car I realized that the snow removal people for the apartment complex had pushed huge mounds of snow directly behind my car. It took almost an hour to dig out from the massive snow pile blocking me in. Now running late, I still had to scrape my windows. I got out my crappy scrapper, with the metal blade, and began clearing my windows. After less than three minutes of scraping, the blade popped off the scraper and flew over my head into a drift of snow. Being the creative mind that I am, I finished clearing the windows with my credit card. (This works great, by the way). Hopped in the car and headed off to work, now over an hour late. I made it exactly three feet before I had to stop. I had managed to run over the metal blade of my scrapper and flattened one of my tires. I gave up, called in sick and went back to bed.
Reason #1 that Your Life is Better Than Mine!
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